Dating in the 21st Century

Ballroom Research. February 22, 2025

Introduction

The landscape of romantic relationships has undergone a remarkable transformation in the 21st century. With the rise of dating apps, social media, and digital communication, the way people meet, connect, and assess compatibility has fundamentally changed. Gone are the days when meeting a partner primarily depended on chance encounters, introductions through friends, or community connections. Today, algorithms help match potential partners, and people can filter through hundreds of profiles based on specific characteristics and preferences before ever meeting face-to-face.

This shift represents not just a change in methods but a transformation in how we conceptualize romantic compatibility itself. As we navigate this new terrain, understanding what makes people compatible and how modern technology influences our search for connection has never been more relevant.

The Science of Compatibility

Research has identified as many as 24 distinct dimensions of compatibility that influence romantic relationships, including lifestyle preferences, moral values, communication styles, and emotional expression patterns. Studies consistently show that similarity in lifestyle, opinions, and morals are particularly valued for overall romantic compatibility, especially for those seeking long-term relationships [1].

Dr. Edward Hoffman's research highlights 12 key points of love compatibility, including the need for companionship, emotional intensity, libido, and intellectualism [2]. These findings suggest that compatibility isn't a single trait but rather a complex interplay of various factors that contribute to relationship satisfaction and longevity.

While the old adage "opposites attract" persists in popular culture, scientific evidence overwhelmingly supports that similarity on most traits is a stronger predictor of attraction and compatibility [3]. People tend to feel more compatible with potential partners who share their values, communication styles, and life goals. This preference for similarity has significant implications for dating app algorithms, which increasingly match users based on shared characteristics and values.

The Evolution of Dating Apps and Compatibility Matching

Dating platforms have evolved significantly in their approach to compatibility matching over the past two decades:

Each platform offers a unique approach to compatibility:

• Hinge: Uses the Gale-Shapley algorithm for "stable matching" that considers both what users want and how likely they are to be liked back
• Tinder: Originally used the Elo rating system to rate user desirability and match users with others in "roughly the same league"
• OkCupid: Uses a complex survey system that weighs user answers, desired partner answers, and question importance
• eHarmony: Employs extensive personality questionnaires and compatibility models based on successful marriages [4]

What People Actually Want: Top Compatibility Factors

Modern research reveals interesting patterns in what people prioritize when seeking compatible partners. According to comprehensive studies, the following factors consistently emerge as most important:

1. Values and Core Beliefs

Alignment on fundamental moral values and important social and ethical issues consistently ranks as a top priority. In a 2021 study, shared viewpoints on issues such as sexism, abortion, the death penalty, and gender roles emerged as the most important compatibility characteristic [1]. Religious compatibility is also significant for many—particularly for those who identify strongly with their faith traditions [5].

2. Emotional Maturity and Communication Style

In a 2021 survey of 5,000 U.S. singles, emotional maturity topped the list of desired traits, outranking all others [6]. The ability to communicate effectively—expressing feelings, actively listening, and resolving conflicts constructively—is consistently rated as crucial for relationship success. In fact, poor communication is identified as one of the top red flags by singles in modern dating [7].

3. Trustworthiness and Honesty

Trust is universally cited as a foundation for compatibility. Recent studies found that trust (along with respect) was considered one of the top "cornerstones" of a lasting partnership [7]. This includes both honesty in day-to-day interactions and fundamental reliability as a partner.

4. Lifestyle Compatibility

Similarity in daily routines, sleep schedules, activity levels, and living habits significantly impacts relationship quality. When partners share compatible approaches to daily life, they experience fewer frictions and conflicts [1]. This includes preferences around introversion/extraversion, social activity, and personal space needs.

5. Personality Traits

Research in the journal "Personality and Individual Differences" found that dating app users are more likely to match with those who share their levels of agreeableness, conscientiousness, and extraversion [8]. Having a good sense of humor is particularly valued—82% of dating app users reported that showing humor in a profile makes them more likely to match with someone [9].

6. Shared Interests and Hobbies

Having common interests provides opportunities for shared experiences and bonding. In one survey, 80% of users said seeing hobbies or passions in a profile makes them more inclined to match [9]. Travel, in particular, was cited as an attractive interest by 71% of respondents.

7. Physical Attraction and Chemistry

While often downplayed in self-reports, observed behavior on dating apps confirms that physical attraction plays a significant role in initial selection. On visual-first apps like Tinder, most decisions are made within seconds based on photos [6]. However, research suggests that while physical attraction sparks initial interest, it becomes less important relative to other compatibility factors as relationships develop.

8. Relationship Goals Alignment

Agreement on relationship type (casual vs. committed), marriage intentions, and family planning goals is crucial for long-term compatibility. Studies show that 64% of singles want someone who shares their desire for marriage, and 57% want alignment on having children [7].

Gender and Age Differences in Compatibility Priorities

Research reveals notable differences in how various demographic groups approach compatibility:

Gender Differences

• Women tend to prioritize values alignment and communication compatibility more than men
• Men more frequently prioritize physical compatibility
• Women are generally more selective in their filtering, while men tend to "cast a wider net" with more right swipes [4]
• Men of all ages typically rate women in their early 20s as most physically attractive, whereas women usually prefer men around their own age [12]

Age Patterns

• Younger adults (under 30) often emphasize shared social and political values
• Those in their 30s increasingly prioritize alignment on family planning and long-term goals
• By their 40s, many singles shift toward seeking companionship and compatible lifestyles [13]

The Future of Dating: AI, Video, and Beyond

As we look toward the future of dating, several emerging technologies and trends are poised to transform how we find and connect with compatible partners:

Advanced AI-Powered Matching

Future dating platforms will likely employ increasingly sophisticated AI algorithms capable of understanding nuanced personality traits, communication patterns, and even emotional responses. These systems might analyze:

• Natural language processing of conversations to assess communication compatibility
• Facial expression analysis during video chats to measure genuine attraction
• Voice tone and speech patterns to evaluate emotional expressiveness [14]

These advancements could potentially bridge the gap between stated and revealed preferences, helping users find partners who are truly compatible across multiple dimensions.

Video-Based Dating

Video is becoming increasingly central to modern dating, and this trend will likely accelerate:

• Video Profiles: Moving beyond static photos, comprehensive video profiles allow users to showcase personality, communication style, and authentic self-presentation
• Virtual Dates: Initial meetings in virtual environments allow for assessing communication chemistry before investing in in-person meetings
• Augmented Reality Dating: AR could eventually allow users to "project" potential matches into their environment, creating more immersive interaction experiences [15]

Video technologies address many limitations of traditional dating apps by providing richer information about potential partners and allowing for more authentic assessment of compatibility factors like communication style, humor, and emotional expressiveness.

Immersive Compatibility Testing

Rather than relying solely on self-reported preferences, future dating platforms might offer immersive experiences to test real compatibility:

• Virtual reality scenarios that simulate challenging relationship situations
• Interactive games designed to reveal communication patterns and problem-solving styles
• Shared virtual experiences that gauge genuine interest compatibility [16]

Biometric Compatibility Assessment

Emerging research in the biology of attraction might eventually lead to compatibility assessments based on physiological responses:

• Measuring biological markers of attraction during virtual interactions
• Analyzing chemical compatibility through digital scent technology
• Tracking stress responses during conversation to identify communication patterns [17]

While these technologies raise important ethical questions about privacy and the quantification of romance, they represent the potential evolution of our understanding of compatibility in increasingly digital contexts.

Conclusion

Dating in the 21st century has transformed from chance encounters to algorithm-driven matching, offering unprecedented opportunities to find compatible partners while also introducing new challenges. Research consistently shows that while the methods have changed, the fundamental factors that make people compatible—shared values, effective communication, mutual respect, and emotional connection—remain remarkably consistent.

As we move forward, the integration of AI, video technologies, and immersive digital experiences will likely continue to reshape how we find and connect with potential partners. Yet the essence of compatibility will likely remain rooted in our fundamentally human need for connection, understanding, and shared meaning.

The future of dating promises more sophisticated tools for finding compatible partners, but the heart of successful relationships will always depend on our ability to genuinely connect with and understand one another—a timeless challenge that transcends technological innovation.