From Love Letters to Like Buttons: How Technology Has Shaped Dating Throughout History

Ballroom Research. January 11, 2025

Introduction

Throughout human history, the fundamental desire for connection has remained constant, but the ways we meet, court, and maintain relationships have evolved dramatically with each technological advance. Looking back through the centuries, we can see how innovations—from the written word to AI algorithms—have transformed our romantic lives. Today we explore this fascinating journey and look at where we're headed next.

Ancient Bonds: Relationships Before Modern Technology

Before the Industrial Revolution, finding a partner was largely a community affair. Marriage was often a strategic alliance between families rather than a romantic choice. Marriages were typically arranged based on social and economic interests of extended family networks. Courtship was formal, supervised, and deeply embedded in social structures.

Communication was primarily face-to-face, though the invention of writing opened new possibilities. Ancient Mesopotamians were composing love poems as early as 2000 BCE, showing that even then, technology (in this case, writing on clay tablets) was being used to express affection. These early written expressions allowed emotions to travel beyond immediate social circles—a trend that would only accelerate with future innovations.

The Power of the Pen: Letters and Print Media

The 19th century brought significant changes to relationship formation. The selection of a partner was rarely considered a purely individual pursuit in earlier eras, but this began shifting toward more personal choice. The written letter became crucial for romance across distances, allowing separated sweethearts to maintain connections.

The rise of newspapers introduced another innovation: personal advertisements. These early "dating profiles" let people seek partners beyond their immediate vicinity. The San Francisco Examiner from 1893 shows these advertisements were usually short, with people simply stating they were looking for a husband or wife, their age, financial situation, and a brief personal description. While viewed with some skepticism initially, they filled a growing need as urbanization made traditional matchmaking more difficult.

Wired for Love: The Telegraph and Telephone

The 19th century revolutionized communication speed. The telegraph, perfected in the 1840s, allowed messages to travel almost instantly across vast distances. Samuel Morse's first telegraph message in 1844 – "What hath God wrought?" – captured the awe people felt at this newfound speed. This meant lovers could exchange short messages without waiting weeks for letters.

By 1876, Alexander Graham Bell's telephone took intimacy a step further—now couples could hear each other's voices across distances. Early phones were business tools, but by the early 20th century, they became commonplace in homes. This subtly transformed courtship, allowing young people to arrange meetings with less parental supervision. The ability to call and arrange meetings outside traditional home settings offered young people greater autonomy in their romantic pursuits.

The Dating Revolution: Early-to-Mid 20th Century

The 1920s brought dramatic social changes. The "Roaring" 1920s was characterized by "a significant social undercurrent that emphasized personal freedom over government control". Despite Prohibition (1919-1933), speakeasies emerged as social hotspots where new connections formed.

New forms of entertainment fostered connections too. Cinema became a dominant cultural force, with statistics showing remarkable audience numbers: "In peak years of the Depression, such as 1929 and 1932, movie theater attendance hits an all-time high, with a sustained average of 88 million moviegoers per week". These shared experiences provided new contexts for potential couples to meet and date.

By the 1960s, the idea of using technology to find love took another leap with early computer dating. In 1959, Stanford students used an IBM 650 computer to match students based on questionnaires—essentially the first computer dating experiment. This was followed by "Operation Match" in 1965, the first commercial computer dating service. Users filled out paper surveys, mailed them with payment, and waited for the computer to generate potential matches. This marked a significant shift—the notion that science and data could optimize one's search for a soulmate.

Digital Connections: The Internet Transforms Dating

The 1990s internet revolution supercharged technology's role in relationships. Dating websites like Match.com (1995) and eHarmony (2000) brought personal ads to the digital realm, allowing people to create profiles and browse potential matches from home. Different cultures adapted these tools to their traditions—India saw matrimonial websites like Shaadi.com emerge in 1996, digitalizing aspects of arranged marriage.

Email and instant messaging also transformed how couples maintained connections. Many relationships in the 90s thrived through email exchanges and chat rooms—methods far cheaper and quicker than international calls or letters. Online forums and social networks allowed people to form connections based on shared interests, sometimes blossoming into romance.

By the early 2000s, meeting online was becoming increasingly normalized. The stigma around internet dating began fading as success stories accumulated. Long-distance relationships became more viable thanks to video chats and constant digital connection.

Swipe Right: Mobile Apps and the Modern Dating Landscape

The smartphone era of the 2010s took online dating to new heights. Dating apps moved the experience from desktops to our palms, making the process more immediate and location-based. Tinder, launched in 2012, introduced the now-iconic "swipe" mechanism, gamifying partner selection.

These apps normalized meeting strangers from the internet to such an extent that by the late 2010s, meeting online had become the most common way for U.S. couples to connect. According to a Stanford University study, by the 2010s, meeting online had become the most common way American couples connect, surpassing introductions by friends or family.

The app revolution also changed dating culture itself. Having access to thousands of profiles altered expectations around choice and immediacy. Communication shifted to texts and emojis, replacing longer phone calls or letters. Couples now stay in constant contact throughout the day via messaging apps and social media, sharing moments instantly.

However, this immediacy has introduced new challenges. "Technoference," where devices interrupt face-to-face time, can strain relationships. A 2019 study found that device use frequently interferes with face-to-face interactions, particularly in spaces like the bedroom and dining table. The curated nature of online personas can create unrealistic expectations, and the abundance of options sometimes leads to a paradox of choice, where having too many options makes it harder to commit.

Technology's Impact on Relationship Dynamics

Throughout this evolution, technology has fundamentally changed three key aspects of relationships:

1. Matchmaking: Historically, one's pool of potential partners was limited to people they knew or those introduced by family and friends. Technology dramatically expanded those boundaries—first slightly with newspapers, then enormously with the internet. Today, we can meet someone outside our social circle or hometown with unprecedented ease.
2. Courtship rituals: The process of getting to know someone has accelerated. In the letter era, courtship might take months of careful correspondence. Now, a swipe right can initiate a connection, making courtship faster and often more casual. The formal rules that once governed interactions have relaxed significantly.
3. Relationship maintenance: Technology has transformed how we nurture connections. A long-distance couple in the 1850s might endure months apart with only occasional letters. Today, they can video chat daily across continents. This constant connectivity strengthens bonds but can also blur personal boundaries.

The Future of Dating Technology: Where Are We Headed?

Looking ahead, emerging technologies promise to further transform relationships. Artificial Intelligence is already enhancing matchmaking algorithms, analyzing communication patterns to find truly compatible partners. AI chatbots are entering the scene as dating assistants, handling initial conversations to ease awkwardness.

Virtual Reality dating is on the horizon, with platforms allowing users to go on immersive "virtual dates" regardless of physical distance. Apps like Nevermet and Flirtual let users create avatars and meet in virtual environments ranging from coffee shops to fantasy worlds. Augmented Reality could overlay information about potential matches in real-world settings. Even haptic technology might eventually allow physical touch to be conveyed across distances.

These advancements raise profound questions: How will the definition of connection evolve? Will technology enhance human bonds or replace them? Can algorithms truly predict compatibility?

Conclusion: The Enduring Human Need for Connection

The journey from love letters to dating apps shows how remarkably adaptable human connection has been throughout technological change. While the tools evolve—from quill pens to keyboards, from telegrams to text messages—the fundamental desire to find someone who understands us remains constant.

Each new technology has sparked both excitement and concern about its impact on relationships. Yet humans have consistently found ways to use these tools to fulfill age-old emotional needs. What seems likely is that as technology continues to advance, we'll continue adapting it to serve our deepest desire for meaningful connection.

After all, technology doesn't replace human bonds—it simply creates new avenues through which those connections can form and flourish.